R.I.P. = RIP-Off: Everybody Is Cashing in on Diana

I WONDER WHAT so many of the collectibles marketers would have done if Princess Diana hadn’t been killed in that car crash.

Boy, was Shakespeare wrong when he had Marc Antony say, “The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones.” Well, he said “men,” but in today’s society, whether it’s Princess Di or Richard Nixon, departing from life adds a worthy cachet.

Diana and Fergie weren’t all that well regarded while Di was alive. Fergie seems to have benefited from the spillover, because she’s been elevated from royal airhead to marketing fountainhead. But compared with those who sell commemorative stamps, plates and dolls, Fergie is a peanut vendor.

A Splendid Rose, Plated What has me in a mild seethe is the latest remnant-buy in a freestanding insert: “Remembering England’s Rose.” It’s a collectible plate. The image isn’t Diana; it’s a picture of a rose. Beneath the rose is the wording “Diana, a Rose Everlasting.” Selling copy is pure treacle: “With one look, we are captivated by its flawless beauty and inner radiance. But we also are aware of just how fragile and precious it is, and how the beauty it brings to our lives, for all too brief a time, is something we will cherish forever. How fitting, that the exact words we might use to describe Princess Diana so perfectly capture the essence of this splendid rose that proudly bears her name…” Urp.

Well, OK, but it’s still dubious that Diana would ever have been able to compose Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.

Authentic Replica The “Diana Princess of Wales Porcelain Portrait Doll” is garbed in a dress described as “the only authentic replica.” Hmmm. An authentic replica! Shades of Jacqueline Kennedy’s faux-pearl necklace. This Diana is holding a clutch bag, which I suppose is authentic imitation leatherette.

And here’s “A Historic Collecting Opportunity in Vinyl Portrait Dolls!” I’m loath to attack the ad because at least it says “A Historic” instead of that phony “An Historic.” A vinyl doll? Well, that is closer to the real Diana. The subhead: “Celebrate the enduring style, beauty and compassion of the unforgettable Diana, Princess of Wales.” The ad says her life “touched us all.” Uh-uh. Her death touched us all, especially those looking for the next marketing opportunity.

Sold Out? Say It Isn’t So! And here’s a weird one, also in a freestanding insert…which makes me wonder whether Valassis is the mirror of mourning. This one is headed, “Diana Tribute Stamps Sold Out!” Oh, my God! I missed them.

But wait, there’s a subhead: “But Still Available from Mystic.” Who issued these stamps? Nevis. Nevis Who? you asked. No, no, a teeny-tiny country in the Caribbean. I guess the reason they sold out is that both residents of Nevis already bought them.

(Hey, Mystic, if you’re the instigator of these stamps, I salute you. I admire smart, aggressive marketers. But if you’re sending me a present for saying that, don’t make it these stamps.)

Eight Different Artists One of the stranger promotions I’ve seen is “Diana, a Lasting Tribute.” And what is the lasting tribute? An eternal flame? A batch of scholarships, even one to a school of design? Nope. It’s “the color photographic works of eight different artists to create strong representation of the most photographed woman in the world.” Gee, that’s even more of a must-miss than the movie “Alien Resurrection.”

A parenthetical note: What’s with this “eight different artists”? Did they think without “different” we’d think it’s eight of the same artist?

Sparkling Tribute Think for a moment, because a moment is all it takes: Ten years from now, if you have a “Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Crystal Votive” and display it, how do you explain it to visitors? It’s advertised as a “sparkling tribute,” so maybe you can take out the candle and pour in some Asti Spumanti. But what logic underlies the notion of this little bowl? What logic underlies anyone’s desire to buy it?

Real Dolls Of course any of these kitsch-cooings is a more logical acquisition than “Barbie at the Grand Ole Opera” (I’m not kidding. It’s $79, and I’d really hate myself if I mention who’s marketing it) or-get this!-the Tammy Wynette doll, titled “Stand By Your Man.” It comes in two sizes, 8 inches and 5 inches, so you can choose how tall you want to be as you stand by your man. (Suggestion: Don’t dwarf him.)

Frank, Duke, Elvis and Spock And here comes Frank Sinatra-not just in record collections, which made sense while he was alive and make sense now that he isn’t-but in other memorializing media. Sinatra joins John Wayne and Elvis and Mr. Spock (how about Dr. Spock? He died recently) as a displayable item on the wall.

No one need relate “personality” collectibles to logic. We can chuckle at the Daniel J. Boorstin gem, “A celebrity is someone who is well-known for his well-knownness”…and even as we do, we ask Gary Coleman (who?) for an autograph.

Sic transit gloria mundi. I doubt that anyone ever asked Marcus Tullius Cicero or Sir Isaac Newton for an autograph. Pity. How about a velvet painting?