The Katzenjammer Vids: Bad Marketer, Bad Marketer

It’s a pity that dogs and cats have such acute senses of hearing: When a pet-themed commercial hits a wrong note, they have to suffer even more than Homo sapiens.

As it happens, the howling and mewing elicited by two commercials were from man and animal in equal amounts. The first spot, in the “shoulda known better” category, comes from PetSmart.

Take a gander (so to speak), especially if you’re a pet owner: http://youtube.com/watch?v=1UoR3jwgpU8

Now, this is a beautifully produced commercial. The dachshund is amazingly cute (as dachshunds are: It’s in the breed.) The music is well chosen, and the photography is lovely.

So what’s the problem? Two things: First is the idea that a beloved chew toy can be removed from a pet’s bed without a fight, even if the pet is sleeping at the time. Even if true, there’s something disturbing about a parent/owner surreptitiously removing a beloved toy from a pet’s bed. I dunno, that doesn’t strike me as an act of love: It’s an act of cruelty.

But let it stand as a loving act, albeit a misguided one. Here’s what should make any pet owner’s ears flatten: The idea that a much-carried, much-chewed toy can be replaced with a brand-new version.

Nuh-uh. For many pets, what makes a toy beloved isn’t how it looks, but how it smells and tastes – qualities imbued only after a toy has been properly masticated and mauled. Will any pet readily accept a fresh-off-the-shelf toy as a suitable replacement for the original? Doubtful, according to a highly unscientific poll of pet owners.

If this first commercial elicits a “hmm,” the second will generate a flat-out “ick.” Euthanasia and death are never easy topics, which is why when a commercial for a pet cemetery and crematorium misses the mark, it misses in a big way.

A locally produced spot for Katy’s Pet Cemetery and Crematory, of Pekin, IL, is a shining example of consistently hitting off notes. The death of a pet is a sensitive subject. Mourning is a sensitive time. Why, then, does this commercial — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcJb-pq34Y — have all the sensitivity of a three-pound Ames Industrial Hand Drill Hammer?

The ad doesn’t have a single shining egregious moment. Rather, pretty much everything about it is just slightly off.

For instance, the voiceover is bouncy, not sympathetic. And the first details the viewer is presented – that the company is “locally owned and operated since 1984” and “has the experience and compassion to take care of your cherished pet” is about the business, when, more than in almost any other industry, this commercial needs to be about the customer’s needs.

Yes, I realize that length of time in business implies trustworthiness. But there are better ways of expressing this – and the next few impressions certainly don’t support it.

For instance, there’s the line “Whether cremation or simple burial, Katy’s is glad to be of service.” Umm, it’s a funereal operation, not a concierge. At a time like this, a pet owner wants sympathy, or at least empathy – not a “thank you for your business.”

Yes, details such as “All cremations are local” is important – there is always concern, with cremations, about getting one’s actual loved ones remains. But this is information best discussed in person, rather than via a series of gliding words across a screen.

Words that glide across the screen offer “pickups from all veterinarian services in the tri-county area”. Convenient, perhaps, but again, something better left said in a one-on-one conversation. Here, the phrase evokes a dry cleaning service more than a pet cemetery.

The commercial’s final line is almost a laugh line. “We treat your pet the same way we treat ours: With love and respect.” Uh, by burying it or incinerating it? Lucky Fluffy or Fido.

When a pet dies, an owner seeks compassion, humanity, warmth and, in the case of a service provider, professionalism. This commercial has very little of any of these. What does it have? A final placard of cutsey-wootsey animals with little halos above their heads.

The word for that final image is neither “woof” nor “meow.” It’s “ugh.”