Will the Legitimate E-mailer Please Stand Up?

An ancient joke: Someone at the Louvre in Paris spotted Diogenes, carrying his lantern. “Diogenes, what are you doing here?”

The answer: “I’m looking for the truth.”

Somewhat later, at a pub in London, a visitor saw Diogenes. “Diogenes, what are you doing here?”

The answer: “I’m looking for the truth.”

Eventually, Diogenes wound up in New York. Tattered and battered, he was emerging from the subway. “Diogenes, what are you doing here?”

The answer: “I’m looking for the ^%$# guy who stole my lantern.”

The loose parallel: E-mailers are stealing the lantern. Our golden medium is being usurped by white-collar bandits.

Maybe some of this is inadvertent, eager novice e-marketers jumping into the waters of El Dorado. But I don’t think so.

One of my favorite targets, Coolsavings, sent this message — one that would be provocative if it didn’t follow slavishly their boilerplate approach: “How would you like a complimentary $1000 Bed, Bath, and Beyond Gift Card for simply participating in this special promotion?”

Yes, I got a chuckle out of the word sequence. “For simply participating” is far more descriptive of this promotion than “simply for participating.” But just to prove there’s no such thing as a free lunch…or a free Bed Bath & Beyond gift card…I entered the maze. They want every fragment of information except maybe my grandmother’s maiden name. Then, as expected, there it is: “Participate in and complete six offers from our sponsors, one sponsor offer from group 1, two sponsor offers from group 2, and three sponsor offers from group 3. Please note that you may complete only one Discover® Card application as part of this offer.”

I’m bothered that these offers continue, day after day, week after week, month after month. That means they’re working.

Now look, guys: None of us in this industry has a problem with “free” or “complimentary” as a teaser, provided it’s tied to a “when you.” Integrity and openness are becoming so rare we don’t even believe them when they make their infrequent appearances.

Oh well, as Diogenes said, the hunt goes on. Since half the ads in the newspaper are for whatever it might be that’s “Better than Botox” (does that include Cheerios?), why not have one that’s “Better than a dentist”? This one offers me a free trial. Yeah, right. Hey, guys, for the free trial why do you need my credit card number? Well, it’s $6.95 for shipping. Oh. And what’s this? “14 days after your original order was shipped, we will bill your credit card for the product price of $69.99.” Gee, what a surprise. The free trial is a trial, all right…like a trial in a Franz Kafka novel. A cancellation option is included, but somehow the bloom is off the “free” rose.

THE BLUE PILL BLUES

Hey, this is more like it! “Introducing the New Blue Pill. Click here for a FREE 30-day sample.” What red-blooded, blue-pilled guy wouldn’t click, especially if clicking meant other factors in his life would click? Up comes (if you’ll pardon that wording) the offer: It’s called Viatrex, and the first of a number of monthly options is a free month, “Pay Shipping Only, Plus Value Direct Program.” The initial caps trigger a suspicion, but another trigger overrides, so we check it out: “All free offers, as well as other clearly marked Value Direct Program offers, include automatic enrollment in our Value Direct Program. You will receive a new 2 month supply of Viatrex approximately 5 days before your current supply runs out. Your credit card will be billed the Value Direct Program price of only $70.00 on the day product is shipped, unless you cancel before the date of shipment.”

Are all these being ground out like so much rhetorical hamburger by the same marketers and the same copywriters?

How many times has your e-mail or spam basket caught this one:

“CircuitCity GiftCard OrderConfirmation #3658-VACC6735

“We have been trying to reach you in order to deliver your free Circuit City Gift Card. Please verify your shipping address and zipcode. Consumer Incentive Promotions has given you this $250 Circuit City Gift Card just for answering a 3-minute survey and following instructions on our website….”

Instructions? “Complete a total of 6 sponsor offers. The required sponsor offers must be completed in the following sequence: Two (2) offers need to be completed from ‘Top Offers 1’ group, Two (2) offers need to be completed from ‘Top Offers 2’ group and Two (2) offers need to be completed from ‘Top Offers 3’ group respectively.”

The same deal for a different deal: “Congrats, You’ve been selected to participate in ProductOpinionPanel’s Free* iPod promotion. To claim your iPod, http://q0.tekmailer.com/m/l?2vo-cm5g-1-8t7i-c9pcd

“This is Limited Time promotion, please claim your iPod before it’s too late!”

Yep: “Complete a total of 6 sponsor offers. The required sponsor offers must be completed in the following sequence: Two (2) offers need to be completed from ‘Top Offers 1’ group, Two (2) offers need to be completed from ‘Top Offers 2’’group and Two (2) offers need to be completed from ‘Top Offers 3’ group respectively.”

Here’s a Polo Gift Card for $50. Here’s a SmartRewards Free* 7” Portable DVD Player. Here’s $10 off at Universal Studios (convenience charge will apply). Here’s “We have been trying to reach you in order to deliver your free Dell Computer Gift Card. Consumer Incentive Promotions has given you this $250 Dell Computer Gift Card just for answering a 3-minute survey and following instructions on our website.” And the stakes go up: “We have been trying to reach you in order to deliver your free $500 Albertsons or $500 Kroger Gift Card.”

I understand how hard I am to reach. I’ve been on the phone with telemarketers who are just taking a survey. They promise it isn’t a sales call.

Oh, well, you get the idea. So does Diogenes, who now is using a flashlight — the big heavy ones police use to subdue suspects.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. His curmudgeonly titled 28th book, “Asinine Advertising,” has just been published. Among his other books are “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition), “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”