One Short Month to Brand Ruin

Too tired, busy, self-satisfied, or disinterested to read our lengthy feature story, “Ninety Days to a Better Brand”? Here’s a slightly different version, a February worth of ideas for readers whose understanding of classical literature came through Cliffs Notes, and whose favorite Web site soon may be Monster.com. Follow these helpful hints in any order you’d like; there are many paths to failure.

Day 1: Integration schmintegration. Trying to coordinate advertising, promotion, Internet activity, blah, blah, blah, is simply too difficult a task. As Homer Simpson once said, “Anything that’s hard isn’t worth doing.”

Day 2: State your objective clearly: Cover your behind, and perhaps gain some incremental sales while doing so.

Day 3: Start with the creative. State-of-the-art graphics and killer copy — most importantly, a really cool tagline — can be tailored to meet the needs of just about any future plan.

Day 4: Think local, act global. A great concept will translate into any culture. Anyway, to paraphrase Grand Funk Railroad, “We’re an American brand.” And don’t be fooled into believing the Heartland is alienated by East Coast cool; they watched Seinfeld, didn’t they?

Day 5: Target, target, target. Shoot for women this time, men the next. Getting any more specific just reduces reach, and then response stinks.

Day 6: That last FSI didn’t budge sales? No problem. Double the offer and the distribution. Otherwise, leave it the same.

Day 7: Cover your co-marketing bases by signing a long-term deal with a department-store portrait studio. Promise them media support.

Day 8: Sign Kim Basinger to a three-year endorsement deal. (She’s probably got time on her hands now that she’s split with Alec.) Don’t mention that your product development uses dogs and monkeys.

Day 9: Fill your fourth-quarter agenda with this can’t-miss theatrical release: Adam Sandler as Sir Thomas More in the remake of A Man for All Seasons. If anyone can make 16th century theological debate funny, Sandler can.

Day 10: Ignore the trade. Whatever promotion you ultimately choose will be right for your brand, and that’s what matters. Getting retailers involved before you have definite plans to show them will only complicate matters.

Day 11: If you start having second thoughts about alienating accounts, send them blank checks with a note encouraging them to “think of something fun.”

Day 12: Run a sweeps promising 10,000 prizes, but save some cash by ordering only 2,000. You’ll never get that many responses anyway. Double-check to make sure your official rules don’t exclude Florida residents.

Day 13: Hire Soupy Sales as your director of online kids marketing.

Day 14: Make sure all collateral prominently features the brand’s URL, where Belchy the Antacid Pill leads visitors through an animated history of indigestion.

Day 15: Obtain a digital file of your competitor’s ad. Painstakingly replace all references to their brand with yours. Tell your media buyer to run it “everywhere they were.”

Day 16: Fire your stagnant, myopic, old-school agency. Replace it with another stagnant, myopic, old-school agency.

Day 17: Make every decision based solely on cost. Devise a spreadsheet that will tally all the money you save. Use lots of colors.

Day 18: License with abandon. No reason why that brand equity can’t also work magic in deodorant, processed cheese, or pet food.

Day 19: Change your unique selling proposition to, “We’re cheaper.” (Hey, it works for Wal-Mart, right?)

Day 20: Allocate millions on an experiential tour that shows how hip, cool, and happening your brand is. Hire some local high school kids to pass out a few samples.

Day 21: Plan your tour itinerary, starting with the cities you’ve never visited, then the ones containing relatives. Then find an account with stores in those locations.

Day 22: Never let your advertising agency meet with your promotion agency. Better yet, encourage competition between them. That’ll inspire creativity.

Day 23: They want cutting-edge technology? Give it to them. Tell the folks in Packaging about your idea for the talking bottle, a motion-sensitive design that shouts “Buy me!” whenever someone walks by.

Day 24: Your drinking buddy from the P&G days just switched agencies. Time for a “formal” review.

Day 25: Don’t risk success on an unproven premium item. Rick in Sales has a friend who can get you 50,000 Furbies for a song.

Day 26: Never repeat a promotion, no matter how successful. How will you get noticed if you keep using the same old concepts? If that tired execution can keep lifting sales, imagine how a new idea — whatever it is — will move the needle.

Day 27: Come on, we have plenty of ideas already. Let’s wrap this meeting up.

Day 28: Don’t bother developing measurement tools. They’ll just cause trouble. If anyone asks, tell them “awareness went through the roof.” Besides, whomever they get to replace you can dig for results.