If you are among the many people invited to a “broker breakfast” with Mo Moss on Tuesday, we urge you to skip it.

It’s not that convicted felons have nothing to say about list selection—quite the contrary. But a reliable source has told us that all Mo plans to do at the breakfast is plug a useless—and probably illegal—membership list.

It all started a couple of years ago when Mo called to say that he had bought a call center outside of Scranton, PA. Normally, we are not interested in news about Mo unless it is comes from a public official—i.e., an attorney general or a bankruptcy judge—but it was a slow news day and so we ran the story.

Then one day, after many pleading phone calls from Mo, we found ourselves visiting the dreary place. Dozens of women dressed in overalls were selling a bottled water called Hackensack Gold, the supply of which Mo had cornered.

“Sell!” Mo exhorted as he walked along the aisles. “Sell water, girls!”

When Mo’s antiquated dialing system got someone on the phone, the telerep would ask, “Would you be interested in a free sample of America’s healthiest spring water?”

Some people were. The caller just needed a little information—age, occupation and credit card number. There was a $2 processing charge for the free sample.

The problem was that anyone who even remained awake during the call found themselves enrolled in a lifetime membership in the “Water for Life” club. There was a $75 sign-up fee plus $100 a month for the service, all debited automatically. Then they started getting billed for ancillary products like paper cups.

But it all fell apart pretty quickly, as is usually the case with Mo. First, the few people who actually wanted the water noticed that it took months to arrive, and Mo was slapped with violations of the FTC 30-day rule. Then a doctor who received a bottle found that it contained large traces of industrial sediment, which may have accounted for its rusty color. (They didn’t call it Hackensack Gold for nothing.)

The total fines by the time Mo got done with the FTC, the FDA and about 24 AG’s? About $6.9 million, which Mo avoided paying by filing Chapter 7.

Here’s one piece of advice: Rent the list if you must. But if you go to the breakfast, don’t drink the water.

Look around you. How many people do you see?

Your guess is as good as ours, because the DMA refuses to release an attendance figure

It

Chump Change

A READER RECENTLY WROTE to say that after 15 years of reading our diatribes against the USPS, he was tired of them.

We can sympathize, because we’re getting sick of writing them.

It just isn’t very much fun covering the postal service, and you should appreciate our hard work.

Let’s say the postal service does something obnoxious, like file a rate case. We have to report on it, no matter how busy we are covering mass layoffs at USPS client firms.

Do you think it’s easy wading through 600 pages of incandescent BS? We’re so bad at math that the USPS’ figures never seem to add up.

Take the recent announcement that rates are going up again in July by

CRM Cynics

ON ONE HAND, IT’S EASY TO DISMISS the recent article in Advertising Age declaring that CRM is hype. We’ve all heard it before.

But it’s sad to see Lester Wunderman being used as the poster child for this attitude.

The real debate should be about the bankruptcy of brand advertising, and Lester knows it better than anyone else.

The big general agencies don’t get CRM, nor did they ever get direct marketing.

Yes, the agencies were quick to jump on the Internet bandwagon a few years ago when they smelled dot-com money. But for all the branding they did, they apparently never told the dot-coms that, duh, if you get the order you have to fulfill it.

Wunderman could have taught them a thing or two about that, but they probably wouldn’t have listened, for it just isn’t a very glamorous function.

Now we are in a meaner time all around, and clients are demanding results (the measurable kind). Where does that leave the Madison Avenue crowd? In the pathetic role of denouncing CRM.

Actually, CRM is about branding, but on a level far beyond the grasp of people who know only that the model’s underwear should have a logo on it.

Yes, there’s too much hype about CRM. There are too many preening gurus who brand themselves above their own clients. There’s too much debate about systems, and not enough about what companies can do with their $10 million boondoggles.

And Wunderman is right to doubt that there will ever be true one-to-one marketing. (Sorry, Madame, but I just don’t believe your lipstick is the only one of its color ever shipped by Reflect.com.)

But it doesn’t follow that we should give up on CRM, as practiced by firms ranging from USAA to MBNA.

We’ve talked to Lester, and we know he believes strongly in customer-centric marketing and a two-way dialogue.

Meanwhile, mass adverting is caught in the same bind it was 10 years ago, when ex-BBDO creative Peter Mayle wrote the following:

The U.S. Postal Service made headlines and rattled Congress last month by threatening to cut Saturday mail delivery. But the threat didn’t faze direct marketers, many of whom saw it as a gambit for getting some overdue congressional attention.

Site Specific

Jonathan Bulkeley, former CEO of BarnesandNoble.com, recently criticized publishing firms for the way they approach the Internet.

A CEO’s Vision

Good morning. I’m not going to bother thanking you for showing up because it’s not as if you had a choice.

The purpose of this meeting is to go over some changes we’re making. To start with, all promotions are on hold and there’s a hiring freeze.

And that’s as good as it gets.

In fact, we have a new motto around here: “It’s my way or the highway.”

There will be no more flex time, no more free hot chocolate and no more jeans in this office.

Does that upset you? Don’t let the door hit you in the rear on the way out.

And the same thing goes for the customers. I set the prices here, and I’m tired of taking back every item that someone just doesn’t happen to like.

And can someone please tell me why we need 25 people in the call center chatting with people about the weather? The only time I want anyone talking to customers is when they’re placing an order. This is a business we’re running.

Are we all on the same page here?

One more thing: It would be a bad career move on your part to bring a consultant in here. I’m through with reading white papers and green papers.

This business is about profits. If you don’t contribute to profits, you’re out of here. And I’m personally canceling several projects that I don’t see bringing in a dime.

First off, you can scrap the Web site upgrade. We sell stuff here. We don’t produce cartoons or rock-and-roll videos.

And you can forget about that proposal for a companywide database. I’m not wasting a couple of million dollars so accounts receivable can know the customer’s birthday.

By the way, I want our agency account put up for review. I never again want to see an ad that doesn’t ask for an order.

And let’s get one thing straight, Mr. Inhouse List Manager. Don’t tell me I can’t rent out our own e-mail names because they’re not “permission-based.” You’ve got my permission — that’s enough. I want to see that list turned over several times in the next quarter.

Did somebody say something? Please speak up so I can see who it is.

Reality Check

ONE OF THE BIGGEST BEST SELLERS OF THE 1920s, Bruce Barton’s

New York City-based J. Walter Thompson, a unit of the WPP Group, acquired database marketing agency Go Direct Marketing. Operating from Toronto and Vancouver, Go Direct has about $30 million in billings from such clients as Kraft Foods and Scott Paper.