Summer To-Do List
It’s August already. We’re halfway through the season, and I’ve still made no headway on the summer to-do list. Here are some of the things I still hope to have crossed off by Labor Day.
Launch a mobile marketing tour for PROMO. Marketing expenses are still tight, so I’ll paint my Civic orange, slap a logo on the hood and a few enlarged covers on the doors, and drive by every corporation and agency from Stamford to Bridgeport, CT. Talk to ExxonMobil, Dunkin’ Donuts, and the Wilton Chamber of Commerce about sponsorships. Ask Britney Spears to ride shotgun. (Well, it certainly seems like she never turns down a tie-in.) Total cost: $895. Total return on investment based on number of qualified impressions: $50,000 to one (ballpark estimate).
Tan one part of my body that isn’t exposed when I’m wearing a Polo shirt and a pair of Hilfiger slacks.
Call all mainstream media reporters, and inform them that “promotion” is not synonymous with “discount.” Call Kmart to discuss same.
Compile a list of major promotional blunders, so the mainstream media doesn’t have to keep referring to Kraft’s 1991 printer error whenever a marketing campaign goes awry.
Paint the garage. Before painting, evict that squirrel from the soffit. (Humanely.)
Ask the folks at America Online, one of the most desired and effective marketing partners in the world, why they still push their own product with schlock like, “1025 HOURS FREE in 45 days.”
Ask the Clarinex folks where they got that nifty idea for the new mobile tour (see photos, above). I would have figured Tamiflu got the “ownable” nod for this concept — at least in the pharmaceutical space.
Ask Pepsi about the strategy behind using Austin Powers and Britney Spears in the same Pepsi Twist spot. How much equity do you need in 30 seconds?
Cut back the forsythia bush that has taken over the right side of the yard. Before cutting back, evict the rabbit warren that has made its home there. (Humanely.)
Call Nestlé and convince them to do a case study on Nescafé Wake-Up Call, the best campaign in the past year that we didn’t write about.
Call Kraft about doing a deeper piece on Be a DiGiorno Delivery Guy, the best campaign in the past year that we did write about.
Call BMW about doing a behind-the-scenes piece on the second round of BMW Films, the best campaign in the past year that everybody wrote about.
Clean the grill, if that’s still possible. Buy a new grill if not.
Learn what sounds are made by squirrels, racoons, rabbits, rhinoceros, giraffes, and zebras, so my 18-month-old daughter, Julia, will stop wondering when we reach those pages in the animal book.
Figure out some way to get myself deleted from the Aptimus Value Network’s database, which I’ve been trying fruitlessly to do since April. That guy selling fake Rolex watches on Fifth Ave. offers greater value, and he doesn’t send 26 e-mails a day.
Speaking of e-mail, reply to that exiled Nigerian general to see about helping him transfer the $50 million in stolen government funds. Now that’s a value offer.
Go see a movie, any movie — a new release, a revival, a sequel to Battlefield Earth, it doesn’t matter.
Read a book, any book — a new release, a classic, L. Ron Hubbard’s Battlefield Earth, it doesn’t matter.
Find a way to get a quote from A.G. Lafley, any quote — on marketing, on the economy, on his opinion of Battlefield Earth, it doesn’t matter.
Once and for all, settle the argument that has been plaguing promotion marketers for decades: P-O-P or POS?
Start exercising. Then again, with summer almost over, maybe I can push that one off until the fall.
