A Different Type of Natural Disaster

About this time last week, life was good. By good we mean that we had the same stresses as we normally have, the same challenges but also the same opportunities. That all changed when the fragility of life and our inability to predict or control it was underscored last Friday when a magnitude 9.0 earthquake struck just off the coast of japan sending an almost 30 foot wave ashore, the force carrying it miles inland, and causing a wake of destruction in the tens of thousands of lives and billions of dollars. Until that time, a large portion of the internet and general media audience had been enjoying a completely different type of meltdown – as public as the stream of updates on the situation at the Fukushima Daiichi but with much less serious ramifications. This natural disaster is none other than Charlie Sheen.

When booted from his number one sitcom, the actor, who has appeared in such iconic movies as Platoon, Ferris Bueler’s Day Off, Wall Street, and Major League, didn’t go quietly. In fact, if we could measure exposure, there is a chance that his meltdown has still received greater media impressions than the other, real, natural disaster still unfolding. While volatile, crazed, quirky, and unpredictable, he has shown a sense of timing that would make any performance marketer proud, and just like his incredible ability to hit lines even with little practice, he has demonstrated the same ability to create maximum impact. He is his own one man tidal wave who, like so many stars before him, became ensnared in a lifestyle involving excess to the point of physical and financial harm. It was the last part that seemed to spur his orchestrated media frenzy. Two and Half Men paid Charlie $2.5 million per episode making the final eight shows that won’t get filmed a number that could not be ignored by the actor.

Sheen’s initial outrage focused on those responsible for taking away his livelihood after a recent overdose put him in the hospital again. He gave us such gems as, “I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.” And, “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.” Soon, though, the vitriolic Sheen realized the power of his non-sense. He parlayed interest in the stoppage into countless media interviews, seemingly not saying no to any. (We didn’t try). The genius, as mentioned before was his ability to not only create a buzz where media circled him like flies but to take that interest and shape it. The Charlie Sheen machine is an incredibly nimble, very entrepreneurial enterprise. It may sound nonsensical and haphazard, but people will be analyzing it for years to come. As he said, “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”

Stars alike have joined the Twitter bandwagon. Sheen was one of the last, but if any were built for Twitter it is he. He broke the Guinness Book of Records for fastest to 1 million followers, but he still has a long way to go before reaching the top 10. (Currently with just under 3 million he sits in the mid-30’s). More than any other person, we’ve learned more about Twitter from him than any other. He has taught us to say a lot with a little. Make less sense than necessary but above all be interesting. Inventing your own lexicon is also a big plus. Adonis DNA, tiger blood. Check. Your own hashtags? #fastball, #winning, #torpedo, #tigerblood, #dogspeed, #ybw. Check. Ability to be sentimental and still oneself? Yes – as he wrote on Japan: “Curveball; Warlock edict; pain & devastation in Japan demands us all to dig deep & LOVE THEM VIOLENTLY Dogspeed my cadres of the Far East!” Most of all, we marvel at his impact on mainstream brands who realize that retweet by Sheen is possible and powerful.

• Target

“Contrary to popular opinion, #TigerBlood is not available at the Dollar Spot. #Winning? On sale daily. #ExpectMorePayLess”

• McDonalds:

“Despite all the rumors there r no plans 2 bring #mclobster or mcsushi 2 the US menu. We r working on a new menu item called McWinning.”

• RedCross

“We may not collect #tigerblood, but we know our donors & volunteers have fierce passion for doing good! #RedCrossMonth”

Why we like watching the drama unfolding is less about the amazing quotes and lessons in social media; it has almost everything to do with the parallels between Sheen’s current activities and the performance marketing space. The historical performance marketing realm has been all about riding a wave of momentum that had little substance. It was only a matter of time that the momentum would end or like a wave that crashes, see the water returning to the ocean. Unlike his hit TV show, this Charlie Sheen machine is like one episode that looks for ways to extend itself. There isn’t a plot or an ongoing need to tune in. It’s gone on longer and better than many thought – sold out concerts, a line of clothing – but after a while it becomes unmonetizable. The more we listen, e.g., “Troll’s need not apply. You all suffer from Sheenis envy” The more we can’t help but think that if he were not a famous actor he’d be one hell of a super affiliate.

No talk on Sheen is complete without a collection of his wisdom. Here are some quotes aggregated by ABC News:

• On his natural high: "I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

• On how he survived his other highs: "I probably took more than anybody could survive. … I was bangin’ seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. … I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs."

• On his daily life: "It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view."

• On his two girlfriends: "You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart. … It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts."

• On his predilection for porn stars: "They’re the best at what they do and I’m the best at what I do. And together it’s like, it’s on. Sorry, Middle America. Yeah, I said it.”

• On why he won’t get married again: "I tried marriage. I’m 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer — I believe in numbers. I’m not going 0 for 4. I’m not wearing a golden sombrero."

• On his honesty: "I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I’m extremely old-fashioned. I’m a nobleman. I’m chivalrous."

• On his dual personality: "I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself."

• On the potential for John Stamos to replace him on "Two and a Half Men:" "I like John, but he doesn’t have what I have and the show sucks if he’s on it. Sorry, just speaking the truth."

• On how he cured himself of addiction: "I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction … the fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool."

• On how he avoids relapsing: "I just don’t do it. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."

• On his desire to be his true self: "I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars, and people can’t figure me out; they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain."