The Five-Pound Watch

I suppose a determined researcher or a determined antagonist can find so many examples of “shipping and handling” tacked on as an extra profit center that he or she would conclude the practice is epidemic.

Well, guess what, would-be researchers and antagonists: It is epidemic.

My own conclusion was reinforced when I added $8.95 for some vitamins and supplements…and then, because the stuff came by post instead of UPS, saw that shipping was under $5. No big deal, but that strikes me as a lot of handling.

Then there’s the wristwatch I ogled on uBid. If you’ve followed my checkered buying history you know I’m a watch freak, and this offer had a batch of 13 watches, with a current high bid of $43 each at almost the expiration hour. Not bad, not only because it was a chronograph but also because I hadn’t bought a watch in weeks. But here’s the shipping, “standard ground” — $12.99. Sorry, guys, no bid.

Ah, here’s an MP3 phone. It’s in its original box and it weighs only ounces. Shipping can’t cost much.

Oh, it can’t? $15. Pass.

Now here’s a peculiarity that helps build skepticism: We bought a couple of Segway scooters — used (excuse me, pre-owned) — on eBay. These are big, heavy “muthuhs.” One was sent from California, with a $125 shipping charge, and the other from Central Florida, with a $119 shipping charge.

I just checked eBay. A current listing for the same model Segway shows a shipping charge of $200. Another is $175. Another, not the same model as one of mine but looks the same, is $120. And here’s a hoot — a shipping charge of $199.98. For 2 cents, I’d expose that guy as a retailer. (The cheapest Segway is $1,000 less than any other listing, but it says, “Pickup only.” Sorry, guys. If I try to wrestle that one onto an American Airlines flight, the baggage cost would eat up the $1,000.)

Probably because their competitors are offering it, a great number of booksellers provide free shipping. Usually there’s a hook — a minimum number of books or a minimum total charge. For the customer it’s a happy break from vendors that use shipping as a separate profit center.

It’s no surprise that “free shipping” remains the champion of all online motivators. Oh, sure, the price of the merchandise may be inflated to cover, the way Walgreens and CVS increase the cost of Haagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry’s when they have a two-for-one deal.

Here’s a current example, from a well-known online marketer of vitamins and supplements: A bottle of 100 vitamin E softgels, “100% natural,” is in the printed catalog for $2.66.

The company’s page in a Sunday FSI and the offer on the Web — both of which use the same product photo as the one in the catalog — advertise “Buy 1 get 2 free.” How much? $8.89. Now let’s see: Buying one at $8.89 and getting two free averages $2.93 per bottle. Gee, thanks, but I’ll order three from the printed catalog and save 91 cents.

Only slightly off the point is almost any ad for a car lease. I’m looking at one for a 2009 Nissan Murano, $299 per month. Mice type: 39 months, $3099 initial payment, “Excludes tax, title, license and non-refundable acquisition fee of $595. As shown $508 per month/$3188 initial payment.”

Huh? Even without the “As shown” curiosity, the tax and title, license and acquisition fees would add $94.72 monthly, averaged out. It’s as transparent a jump as the 9/10th-cent kicklet per gallon of gas.

While I’m fulminating, how about this mailing from a gigantic credit card company? It includes the usual bunch of checks — “Deposit the checks into your bank account to use any way you’d like.” And the pitch is: “Save with a 0% APR on transferred balances.” Oh? It’s 0%? Then what’s “There’s a 3% fee ($5 minimum) for each balance transfer amount made under this offer”? Nice math — 0%=3%.

Sigh. Like everybody in our direct response universe I understand the P.T. Barnum syndrome. But comfort lies in seeing a price undiluted by what seems to be a greed-motivated extra charge. Hey, guys, greed is supposed to be our targets’ motivation, not ours.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the recently published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He’s also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”