If This Isn’t E-mail Heaven, It Must Be the Other Place
I WOULDN’T DARE KNOCK e-mail as a communications tool. After all, one of my books is “Cybertalk That Sells” (whatever that’s supposed to mean).
But my self-imposed restriction doesn’t apply to the flood of advertising (read: hype) threatening to swamp this new volcanic island that has erupted in the already roiling ocean of force-communication.
Here’s an offer based on a flat statement: “E-mail is the future of marketing.” A red reverse accomplishes nobly its task of obfuscating the deal:
E-MAIL UNLIMITED NON-SPAM MARKETING COMMUNICATIONS FOR JUST $399.95!
What they’re selling is an e-mail “list server,” which, this company assures us, “you MUST have.” Let’s all join in the expected exclamations: “No hidden fees! No extra charges! No administration costs! No usage charges!” Unexclaimed but still expected is, “You pay one low yearly fee.” A question for this marketer: Are the “just $399.95” and the “one low yearly fee” really in sync with each other?
Next up is an offer for “Senior networkers only”-the CashConnection.com Internet cash card. It’s something like the old telegrams in which every character counted. I call it hiccup-scream:
Ad-Net Goes MLM [multilevel marketing]…Make Unlimited Income as Network Opportunities Subscription Dealer! Blue-Chip…
SuperMall! [email protected] or www.megabiz.com/adnet
We’re just getting started. Great balls of fire, every time we touch a key we’re going to be swamped with money:
Cash! Cash! Cash!
That’s what you get when you work with us! We’ll show you how to cash in with e-mail! Work from home! Part-time! Full-time!
No meetings to attend! No phone calls! No faxes! No pestering your family and friends! Nothing to mail!
All we have to do is contact that Webmaster, who probably will show us where the exclamation point is on the keyboard. (I really detest the title “Webmaster.” It sounds like the evil ruler of the planet Mongo.)
This may be what the term-throwers mean by “mixed media”:
Learn how to make money on the Internet NOW just by mailing our proven e-mail letter!
The card says “Place stamp here,” so apparently snail mail has to do the drudge work.
One astute marketer knows how to smash down on that hot button:
In 1997 Web sales were $2.6 billion. In 2002, they will be at least $37 billion! Do you want to watch this happening…or do you want to cash in now.
Except for ending with a period instead of a question mark, it’s classic direct marketing. Hurl down that gauntlet!
Ever hear of the American Small Business Association? Whatever that is, the “organization” will send you a free report on how you can cash in by setting up “your own income-producing storefront” which will “bring thousands of hot prospects to your Web site and make sure they buy!” They’ll throw in a chance to win a Pentium computer in a drawing.
Oh, then there’s one that really bends the fragile twig of exclusivity:
Get your name on the Internet for $49.95 with this ad!
How can you show WHO YOU ARE without a NAME on the Internet?
You’re right. But spell my name correctly: Bond. James Bond.
That $49.95 is right in the middle, because an adjacent offer wants “a one-time setup fee of only $200 and a special introductory price of just $89 per month!” And hold everything! The headline “You’re just one e-mail away from making more $$$$$$$ for yourself and your business!” is followed by “…how to get your own domain for as little as $16.66 a month!”
And so on and so on and so on.
Now look, kids: I really don’t mind raining on these parades, because this is the electronic equivalent of “Make money stuffing envelopes.”
Opinion 1: If you want to dip a toe in the e-mail waters-and e-mail unquestionably is one of the easiest and most potent test media we’ve ever encountered-all you need is a deal with a service bureau (we might call them “electronic lettershops”). You pay so much per thousand messages sent, depending on length and the number of sorts. Does this sound familiar?
We shouldn’t be suspicious of ads just because they end every sentence or half-sentence with an exclamation point. At least none of these entrepreneurs piled on the exclamation points, two or three in a line.
Opinion 2: E-mail certainly is a safer shot than spending big bucks on a Web site. Even the darling of all Web sites, bookseller Amazon.com, bolstered by a page-one story in The Wall Street Journal and lots of follow-up and hype, is still losing money. Oh, yeah, the principals cashed in personally through a public offering of stock, but that’s just Barnum bait. One of the Internet magazines lists Amazon as number 39 in its “Fast 50″…and points out that last year the company lost about $29 million.
I’ll project this as Opinion 3, because if I don’t I’ll get hate mail from marketers whose incomes depend on an attitude other than mine: Unless you’re Dell Computer or another company directly related to computers or the Internet, e-mail gives you a better shot than a standard Web site, if only because you don’t have to cross-promote it to get any attention at all.
But don’t e-mail me your complaint. I get enough online pornography as it is.
