Stupid Scammer Watch: An Anal-Gland Removal Loan?
I occasionally respond to Nigerian 419 e-mails in an effort to waste the would-be scammers’ time. I do it mainly because I figure the time spent corresponding with me is time they’re not spending scamming someone else.
Last week, I had an exchange with “Dr. Paul Neville” who appeared in my inbox offering me a loan. The exchange illustrated that some of these people will respond to anything. And, yes, I set up a fake Yahoo account for this.
Warning: Bathroom humor of the vilest form ahead. If graphic, bodily function jokes of questionable humor bother you, read no further. I don’t want any letters saying I’m a disgusting, pathetic, juvenile loser. We all know that already.
I responded to “Dr. Neville” with the following:
“Dear Dr. Neville:
“Thank you so much for your note and offer. It couldn’t have come at a better time. You see, I am in desperate need of an operation. I need my anal glands removed, am not insured, and do not have the money.
“Ever since they became inflamed, and frankly emitting a somewhat unpleasant odor, my wife forces me to sleep in the den and I am no longer invited to social gatherings.
“Can’t say I blame them all that much. I can’t stand to be around myself. Going to the bathroom these days is no walk in the park either, buddy, let me tell you. I do miss my reading time.
“I didn’t see medical-procedure loans on your list. Do you make them?
“I sure hope so. You would be giving an old man his social life back again.
“Sincerely:
“Mr. Yowee Poopinherts”
“Dr. Neville” responded with an application. I filled it out with fake information and requested $5,000. The following day I received an e-mail saying I had been approved for a $5,000 loan for “anal-gland removal.”
However, the note said, Neville Loans would need my driver’s license, to which I responded with the following:
“Dr. Neville:
“Wonderful! You’ve made me so happy. Now I can get my life back.
“There is one small issue, though. I do not have a driver’s license. I gave mine up when my anal glands made it too painful to sit for long stretches and the smell became too unpleasant for me to be in small, enclosed places.
“Oops. Wait a minute. One of them just let go. I have to go change my dressing, open a window and turn on a fan.
“OK, I’m back. In any case, what other form of ID will you accept?
“Also, Dr. Neville, I haven’t yet found a surgeon who will remove my anal glands for me. Might you be a surgeon? If so, will you remove my anal glands? You seem so trustworthy.
“Trust is a big issue for me. You see, the last doctor I had inspect that part of my body had his way with me and never called. The cad.
“I guess it’s my fault for being so trusting and vulnerable. You won’t take advantage of me will you, Dr. Neville?
“Please get back to me as soon as possible.
“God bless.
“Yowee Poopinherts”
The next day, the following message arrived:
“Complement of the day to you, Mr Yowee Poopinherts
“How are you today? I guess fine? I am in receipt of your application form and your other informations
“You are expected to acknowledge its content and read carefully so we could proceed to the next level in procuring this Loan from me. Below is my Loan repayment schedule and conditions:
“The loan repayment will be made on a monthly basis which consist of the Principal loan amount and interest together. Like it’s written, the loan duration/period is for 3 years (36 months). So find the interest rate and repayment schedule below:
“This loan of ($5,000.00) will only be given under the following terms and conditions;
“Terms For A Loan Amount Of ($5,000.00)
“****************************** *****************************
“Loan Amount Needed: $5,000.00
“Loan Interest Rate: 2.00%
“Loan Term: 3 years
“Monthly Loan Payment: $143.21
“Number of Payments: 36
“Cumulative Payments: $5,155.67
“Total Interest Paid: $155.67
“Note: The monthly loan payment was calculated at 35 payments of $143.21 plus a final payment of $143.32.
“And before any further procedures you are to get to us with our company’s requirement such as your driver’s licence and the other informations: that include……..
“DESTINATION OF THE BORROW
=================================
“NAME: Mr Yowee Poopinherts
“COUNTRY: U S A
“LOAN DURATION: 3 Years
“Purpose of loan: Anal Gland Removal”
I began to get bored with “Dr. Neville,” so I decided to see just how crazy I could get and still get a response:
“Dear Dr. Neville:
“Compliment of the day to you, too.
“You asked for my driver’s license again when I already told you I don’t have one. Did you not read my last e-mail?
“All I have is the hospital identification they gave me when mommy checked me in—against my will, of course.
“I also don’t have a bank account. You see, they don’t let me have one here. They think I’m not responsible enough to handle money. But we’ll prove them wrong, won’t we, Dr. Neville.
“They keep telling me that people don’t have anal glands, that only dogs have anal glands and this is all in my head. I just bark at them.
“Thank goodness you found me, Dr. Neville. You’re my white knight. You’ll get me out of here, I’m sure.
“What do you look like? I like to picture you with long white hair and a long white beard in a long white robe riding a horse.
“Do you ride horses, Dr. Neville? Maybe we can go riding one day. That is, after I get my anal glands removed so I can sit in the saddle once again.
“Oops. I have to go. They’re telling me my computer time is up today.
“Will you accept my hospital ID, Dr. Neville? I sure hope so.
“Sincerely:
“Yowee Poopinherts”
Apparently, this last letter was too much even for Dr. Neville as I haven’t heard back. Oh well.
Now, please excuse me while I go get a flea bath.
