Must the Mail Go Through?

Posted on by Chief Marketer Staff

Could someone please make the Internet the exclusive venue for direct marketing now? So far, all this boundless new distribution channel has done is increase the amount of junk mail the beleaguered postman has to rubber band and stuff into my mailbox every day.

I know I shouldn’t be calling it junk mail. But for every “targeted direct-mail” piece that arrives, I still get a half-dozen offers that can’t rightfully be called anything but junk. I mean, should my wife be receiving a free diaper – at work, no less – the week we return home from our honeymoon? Did my mother put them up to this, or was the target list “Every Female in Connecticut?”

The steady trickle of mail I’ve habitually received has reached deluge proportions since I moved last October, a fact I’ll blame on the U.S. Postal Service until I’m proved wrong. Here’s the lowdown on some of the postaged pitches I’ve examined before I pitched them myself.

Guess they don’t read promo: Apparently heedless of the troubles some of its sister divisions are having, Time Inc.’s Entertainment Weekly sent a renewal notice declaring, “If you have and return the Grand Prize winning number, we’ll announce PETER BREEN IS OUR $1,666,675.00 WINNER! Guess which portion of that sentence was in the envelope window? My indignation was diffused by the fact that I had already renewed.

These guys have no excuse: Yes, Publishers Clearing House’s fall delivery called me a “Certified Cash Contender,” not a winner. And the mailing did provide a separate reply postcard to enter without subscribing to a magazine. But it still included a “Winners Release Authorization” card and a “voucher” for $100,000, which means my uncle probably still thinks he’s going to win a lot of money. The booklet with $10 in Procter & Gamble coupons, which promised donations to the Juvenile Diabetes Fund, was a nice touch, though.

This is added value: The National Geographic Society offered membership, a one-year subscription to its magazine, a book of maps, and a coffee-table tome about the Titanic for $29. Meet the Society’s newest member.

Say goodbye to me: “Say goodbye to your annual membership fee . . . and hello to family and friends,” proclaimed credit card outfit Capital One in a special mailing. If I sign up for MCI’s five-cents-a-minute residential long-distance service, the copy promised, my annual $45 Capital One membership fee gets waived. I didn’t even know I paid a membership fee until they reminded me. Say hello to AAA Financial Services.

Some things should never be promoted in co-op programs: ADT Security Services Inc. provides two free months of monitoring with installation. Please let me know which months are the free ones, so I can cancel all travel plans. A local attorney offered $100 off the preparation of a will, which I guess gives me more to bequeath, but less to respect.

Some things should always be promoted in co-op programs: SNET’s insert listed prices for cell-phone service, but told me to “Call for our newly introduced Holiday Promotion.” Couldn’t they have saved me the dime and spelled it out for me? On the brighter side, Weed & Duryea ran a Weber Grill special featuring $50 off, free delivery and assembly, and a free tank of propane. Ah, suburbia!

Discounts of the Rich & Famous: The Money Mailer had a few surprisingly expensive offers amidst the standard plethora of $5-off coupons: R&R Pool & Patio’s insert pitched $500 off any pool table and $1,000 off any hot tub. (If only the basement were finished.) David Shire Jewelers dangled $800 off any purchase of $2,000 or more (Where was he last year when I was shopping for a ring?)

Good Neighbor Hank: The best direct-mail offer I’ve received, the only one that actually made me say, “I’m going to use this,” came from Hank May’s Goodyear, which sent its own postcard offering a “Free Oil Change Lube & Filter,” a $24.95 value according to them, a $40 value according to the crooks I usually go to (although they do vacuum the interior.) Hank even gave me two full months to redeem. Meanwhile, three other local shops offered the same service for $9.95 via Money Mailer and Super Coups packets. Big deal. Hank’s a much better neighbor.

The coupon sat on my dresser for about 10 weeks before I regretfully tossed it, then spent $50 for my next oil change – which, of course, means Hank’s plan worked perfectly.

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