In the March 15 DIRECT, I took Sprint to task for beating up the tired word “Free.”
No, no, not to worry. I’m not recanting. It’s Sprint that should recant. But believe me, that pin-drop phone company isn’t the only termite in our elegant e-mail cabinet. Fair is fair, and here are a couple of others who’ve adopted the “Free…but” method of duplicitous attention-grabbing.
VoiceStream maintains Sprint’s pace with this offer. In its defense, at least it doesn’t include Jamie Lee Curtis:
Limited Time Offer — ACT NOW!! FREE* CELL PHONE
Your Free* Nokia 3390 Cell Phone Package Includes:
- 500 Whenever Minutes
- Unlimited Weekend Minutes
- Free Nationwide Long Distance
- Free Nationwide Digital Roaming
- AOL Instant Messenger
Get yours now by going to:
http://www.revenize.net/freephone/Offer.php?CID=45006
In a perfect world, we’d go to that URL and be told, “Because you were nice enough to visit here, we’re sending you a free cell phone.” It ain’t a perfect world, kids. The phone’s free when you sign up with VoiceStream for $39.99 a month on a one-year contract.
VoiceStream is determined to give Sprint a run for its not-so-free money. Right after the holidays they sent this:
RING IN THE NEW YEAR with a FREE VoiceStream Wireless Phone* from SimplyWireless.com!
Stay in touch with your loved ones this holiday season with this FREE Motorola T2282 Digital Wireless Phone (reg. $49.99). It’s yours FREE with activation of a new VoiceStream Wireless account (plans start at $19.99 per month) — NO cash or credit card required!
Oh, sure, at the end of a lengthy e-mail mixing freebies and monthly payments, we get sprayed with cold water:
*Subject to VoiceStream Wireless credit approval. Free phone available to new VoiceStream Wireless customers only. Available to U.S. residents only. VoiceStream Wireless service not available in all areas. Analog roaming IS NOT available with VoiceStream Wireless service. Offer valid while supplies last. Blah blah blah.
Yawn. Here’s (snore) another e-mail with an all-too-typical subject line:
FREE Cell Phone! Limited time offer. Act NOW!
There wasn’t much of a question about what followed. Yep. On it came, at full bore:
Limited Time Offer — ACT NOW!! FREE* CELL PHONE
Your Free* Nokia 3390 Cell Phone Package Includes:
- 500 Whenever Minutes
- Unlimited Weekend Minutes
- Free Nationwide Long Distance
- Free Nationwide Digital Roaming
- AOL Instant Messenger
Get yours now by going to:
http://www.revenize.net/freephone/Offer.php?CID=45006
And that was the total message. To decode, I had to go to that Web site. Yup. VoiceStream, $39.95 a month, and for the phone all I pay is $9.98 “shipping and handling.” (Hey, I don’t want some clod with dirty fingernails handling my new phone.)
Now, I certainly — and regrettably — can’t limit fake “free” offers to long-distance and cell-phone companies. Here’s a dilly, from left field:
CONGRATULATIONS! You Get a Free Mini-Spa Kit!
OK, we all have seen that once-magic cry “Congratulations!” too often. OK, we all know the negative worth of initial caps. OK, we read on:
Tell Us Where To Send Your Free Mini-Spa Kit
Dear HERSCHELL,
I have your 3-Piece AHAVA Skin Care Kit from the American Homeowners Association. It’s FREE. But I need to know where to send it.
Click Here! and complete the form within the next 48 hours so I can ship it to you immediately.
This exquisite AHAVA Dead Sea skin care kit contains hand cream, body lotion, together with a full size bar of Dead Sea mud soap. Quick-absorbing. Powerfully softening. Leaves your skin silky smooth. It is all fully hypoallergenic and overflowing with the goodness of Dead Sea minerals.
The American Homeowners Association — a major economic force, I’m sure — wants just $2.95 postage for sending me those delightful stinging Dead Sea minerals. Oh, yeah? “Click here” reveals the deal: a negative-option discount club, free for 30 days and then $89 for a year.
Can you stand one more fake freebie? Neither can I, but here’s one:
Too many to chose from — CD player, 2 way Radios, Pencam….
An embarrassment of riches? We all know better than that. It’s just an embarrassment…from You-Know-Who.
Herschell, this is for REAL…one of America’s largest Internet companies has granted you what may be an incredibly valuable reward.
There are 3 Reward Groups… you get to select 1 FREE* REWARD valued at up to $100.00, absolutely FREE.* They are as follows:
a Free* Hayo Portable CD Player
2 FREE* Motorola Talkabout Two-Way Radios
a Free* Pen Cam Trio
HURRY!!! These valuable Rewards can be withdrawn at anytime so make your selection now…
Included with your FREE* REWARD you will be saving money on your long distance bill by signing up with Sprint 7cents AnyTime(SM) Online plan. This plan gives you 7cents per minute state-to-state calling, with no monthly fee**. Simply remain a customer for 90 days, complete the redemption certificate you will receive by mail, and we will send you the FREE* REWARD that you have chosen above, for FREE*.
They’ll send the free reward, for free? Inspired copywriting, enabling us to end as we began last month, Sprinting while dragging one leg. Come on, everybody, let’s sprint…to Never-Never Land, where strange folk with strange integrity still tie the once-mighty word “free” to the still-understandable phrases “when you” or “if you.”
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS is the principal of Lewis Enterprise in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 25 books is the recently issued “Marketing Mayhem.” His 26th, “Effective E-mail Marketing,” is scheduled for publication this month.
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