Big Plans

This will be my final column for promo. I have so many other crucially important things to do, you see.

I will forge a future in cable television by founding the Non-Wrestling Channel.

In anticipation of a major dot-com shakeout, I will start a fund for the establishment of a Silicon Alley branch of the Salvation Army in New York City.

I will coupon, whether I think I need to or not.

I will journey to Cincinnati, find the P&G Swiffer brand manager who filed for the domain name pledgegrabit.com the day after competitor S.C. Johnson introed Pledge Grab-It, toilet-paper his house, and slap-silly his face.

I will win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.

I will broker a deal for Atlanta pitcher John Rocker to become the spokesperson for the Pat Buchanan presidential campaign.

I will strive to resist the temptation to ever again name an anything of the decade.

I will sign a deal with Simon Properties Group to appear exclusively at, and shop only in, its malls.

I will endeavor to convince marketers everywhere that, after all is said and done, it’s all about fulfillment.

I will embark on a program to incentivize, Simonize, and plagiarize more effectively.

I will begin an exhaustive search for the genius tire marketer who convinced a generation of suburban moms that they should be driving three-ton, military assault vehicles.

I will buy Dryel home dry-cleaning fluid in bulk and pay for my wife’s new Humvee by taking in the neighbors’ fine washables.

I will open a Chinese restaurant.

I will cherry-pick with amazing skill to always extract the optimum savings on 13-ounce cans of Alpo from Checkout Coupons.

Having traded 200 cigarettes a week for five cigars a week after 23 years as a smoker, I will ferret out every operative of the Cigars Are Not A Safe Alternative organization and set forest fires adjacent to their homes.

I will write a book about worst practices.

I will attempt to live for an entire year on nothing but free samples.

I will create a new career path for show-biz losers by moving to Las Vegas and becoming the first Sinatra impersonator.

I will donate $11.78 to the United Nations and begin showing up in gossip-column photos on the arm of Jane Fonda.

I will market to people without their permission.

I will complete my submission to William Safire’s On Language column in the New York Times Magazine: “Tearpad or Tear Pad? Let’s Settle It Once and For All.”

I will become FCC chairman in a single-minded effort to rid highway billboards of agate type.

I will become leader of the Boycott Everything Endorsed by Rosie O’Donnell movement.

I will pay for performance.

And, of course, I will remember fondly all the dedicated co-workers and energetic industry players I came to know during a wonderful three years at promo, the best damn little magazine in the marketing business. Always remember that – among all beasts in the marketing jungle – only the promotion pro can honestly say he or she gives the people what they truly want: free stuff.