About two weeks ago I needed some information about my IBM ThinkPad. I wanted to understand the key differences between a port replicator and a full-function docking station. Naturally, I went online and 10 minutes later was close to the information I needed, but not close enough.
I gave up and called the 888 number that IBM had conveniently placed on its ThinkPad accessories Web page and got through to a live representative who answered all my questions in a matter of minutes.
My relationship with IBM just got a little stronger.
The Call
Jump ahead two weeks. I get a call from Bob on behalf of IBM.
He asks me if my problem has been solved. I haven’t a clue as to what he’s talking about.
He reminds me of my recent call to the company’s toll-free 888 number.
It all comes back to me. I thank him for his interest, commend him and IBM on their note-taking ability and assure him that my problem was solved, I got all the information I needed, etc., etc.
Bob tells me he’s happy things worked out well. Then he asks me, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 meaning very satisfied and 1 meaning not satisfied at all, how satisfied I was!
“Bob,” I say, “I just told you I was very satisfied.”
“Yes,” he replies, “but you didn’t tell me how satisfied you were on a scale of 1 to 5.”
OK, I give up. “Bob, on a scale of 1 to 5 I was 5 satisfied.”
There’s a pause on the other end of the line and I listen to Bob type in my remarks. I wait until the typing stops.
(Fortunately, I wasn’t doing anything terribly important at the time.)
Bob returns.
“On a scale of 1 to 5, how satisfied were you with the communications skills of the person you spoke with?”
I don’t know how to respond.
First of all, the person I spoke with was very smart, very knowledgeable and very nice, but he had a slight accent and his communications skills (on a scale of 1 to 5, of course) weren’t up to a level 4, but could I trust Bob with this information?
And how could I have a level 5 satisfaction if the person I spoke with was only a 3?
I try to beg off, but Bob insists and so I lie – and say I was 5 satisfied.
I listen to more typing. I mention to Bob that I like the sound of his keyboard. It sounded like one of those keyboards used in science fiction movies.
My keyboard never sounds like that.
Bob thanks me, and I believe I can hear him typing in my remarks about the sound of his keyboard.
Satisfied?
Then he wants to know, on a scale of 1 to 5, how satisfied I am with IBM as a company, based on this experience.
I ask if this experience includes this ridiculous phone survey or just my original query to IBM.
More typing.
At this point I start to beg Bob to end the survey.
More typing.
Eventually Bob understands my level of frustration. Maybe he gets the idea when I tell him that I write a column for a direct marketing trade magazine, and that he was supplying me with material for the next issue – although it could be that he thought I was only kidding.
In retrospect, I feel sorry for Bob. He was only doing his job. Make so many calls, ask these questions, key in as much as possible, and don’t make up the answers – even when the customer on the other end pleads with you to stop. And, I guess, if you don’t fill your quota of completed questionnaires, you’re on to your next job.
But I don’t feel sorry for the CRM person responsible for making Bob make these calls.
When I originally called IBM’s 888 number I was told that the conversation might be taped for quality control purposes.
Great. How about listening to the tape? When I thanked the person for all his help, it could be safely assumed that I was 5 satisfied (on a scale of 1 to 5, of course).
If you’re not sure your representatives communicate clearly, try talking to them and see if you can understand them. If you can’t, it’s a good bet your customers won’t understand the reps any better than you do.
And, finally, the next time I review a telemarketing research script, I’ll think about Bob – and the poor, harried customer he’ll be drilling for quantifiable answers.
Maybe I’ll try a scale of 1 to 10!
Network
