Our Version of the Boston Tea Party

My son Bob has devoted several of his weekly columns in the magazine InfoWorld to proposing a holiday that would benefit not just the United States but every nation: National Boycott Stupidity Day.

Bob’s field of expertise is information systems (he’s my co-author of “Selling on the Net”), so he’s able to point to America’s “Duh!” glorification of Forrest Gump with less involvement than those of us who deal every day with the Forrest Gumps of advertising and marketing.

I agreed to add my voice to the concept-no, the need-for National Boycott Stupidity Day after absorbing the names and campaigns for some of the 1999 automobiles. It’s only right.

For example, how can anybody in our business buy a Buick when that company has as its selling message, “Isn’t it time for a real car?(tm)” Unbelievable. Forrest Gump is alive and well, along with Dilbert’s boss.

What gets me is the imbecilic arrogance behind adding a trademark symbol to that line. Hey Buick, why did you pass up other winners, such as: “If you’re driving, be sure to use a car(tm)” or “If you’re driving a fake car, your arse may be dragging(tm)” or “How’s my driving? What driving?(tm)”

That “(tm)” symbol seems to add dignity to stupidity the way death adds dignity to despots and criminals. Just add the symbol. It’s like the magic feather or Shazam! Somehow your lunacy becomes sane. The trademark office has to be laughing at some of the dreck advertisers submit, in the hope that the “(tm)” symbol will add cachet to their caca.

Bob points to movies such as “Independence Day,” in which a guy with a laptop computer (with about 4 megabytes of RAM) solves a problem baffling the entire bank of government mainframes. I’d rather point to the far richer field of advertising and marketing, where Preparation H has this “super” in its TV commercial: “Use only as directed.” Preparation H, I don’t want to rain on your parade (as indelicate as that cliche may seem), but I’m not about to use your product on my toast.

Gee, automobile manufacturers are such easy curmudgeon grist. If I were more charitable I’d feel guilty about spraying them with verbal Flit. In the June issue of DIRECT I mentioned, less than fondly, the sitting-duck target, Cadillac’s Catera. General Motors never learns, does it? Now Cadillac has a sport utility vehicle. And what do they call it? Escalade. Umm…is that EscalAID or EscalAHHD? After the ill-fated Allante, which no one knew how to pronounce, we shouldn’t be surprised.

Now here comes Oldsmobile. What does it call its new car? Cheetah? Golden Arrow? Starburst? Flash? You know better than that. It’s Alero. Whee. Hey, guys, we still have fond memories of Rocket-88, when your product-namers still were on this planet.

Now, how do we implement National Boycott Stupidity Day? I have some logical suggestions.

First, on that day we won’t set foot in a store whose advertising or window signs use “it’s” for a possessive. Shock treatment, that’s what it is.

Second, we all phone Buick and tell them we’ve heard that along with the Procter & Gamble “Man in the Moon” being a symbol of the devil, we understand on good authority that Buick isn’t a real car.

Third, we all send faxes or e-mail to NBC demanding that Jane Pauley actually be forced to cover a live story on her own, with no TelePrompTer.

Fourth, we bury up to their necks in an anthill any list managers who, without telling us, combine inquirers and buyers.

Fifth, we pour cement over every entrance and exit of direct marketing companies whose advertising crows about awards they’ve bestowed on themselves. (Bring your own cement. We need tons.)

Sixth, on that day we discard every piece of mail we get whose envelope says, “You’ve been pre-approved.” Stern stuff! Wastebaskets throughout the nation will overflow their banks.

Seventh-now, this may require a little work, but the emotional reward is exceptional-we prepare a questionnaire for long-distance telephone companies. We phone a key executive of each company and explain that we’re preparing an article which will appear simultaneously in The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal…and will they kindly explain their deal to us. We then position a photographer across the street from each office so we can have award-winning photographs of phone company executives jumping off window ledges.

Now, what day should it be? I know ’tis the season to be jolly, so an obvious positioning of National Boycott Stupidity Day would be dead-center between Christmas and New Year’s Day.

But if logic is to prevail, it should be on the day following the Super Bowl. We make a list of those sponsors that shelled out $1.3 million for each of the unmemorable 30-second commercials on that telecast. Our list is valuable, because it will be the only memorial to the departed but unmourned spots.

Each of us sends a card-postage due is OK-to those witless money-wasters, asking what the content of their spots was supposed to mean; why, except for agency greed, they chose that medium; and how much business they anticipate doing as the result of those airings. Might as well ruin their day. (Nah. They won’t read our cards because they’ll be too busy assembling sample reels.)

So why not sign up to join “A real holiday(tm)”? We can get Cadillac to give it a catchy name, such as Blftx or Jalallall or Ingrulz. And you have every reason to join Bob and me in celebrating National Boycott Stupidity Day. After all, you’ve been pre-approved.